Knocked Up and Tied Down Read online

  “Would that make for a good story?” Dr. Leeds asks. “The play starts, they are in love, and we have three acts of them being happy together with no problems?”

  “I guess not,” the student says.

  “Good job,” Dr. Leeds says. “You’re not nearly as dumb as you want to sound. Name?”

  “Greg,” he says.

  Dr. Leeds moves his finger across the lecture hall, and I watch the students tense up nervously as if he was aiming a gun.

  “You!” Leeds says, pointing at a girl who I can clearly see is texting and not paying attention.

  “Me?” she asks, her voice squeaking.

  “Yes, what’s your name?”

  “Uh, Tiffany?” Her voice squeaks up like a mouse on the last syllable.

  “Why does that sound like a question?” Dr. Leeds says, grinning.

  “Tiffany,” she says, slowly sliding her phone into her purse and finally looking up, focused.

  I realize that it’s going to be really hard to teach this class. The students seem to know stuff when they are pressed, but I will have to press hard. I’d imagined everyone just automatically becoming fully engaged and discussing everything nearly unprompted. I’d imagined students arguing with each other. I need to watch Dr. Leeds to see how he gets them to open up. A semester of students clammed up like this would be a nightmare.

  “Tiffany,” he says. “Pretend that Romeo’s and Juliet’s families are totally fine with them being together. There is no feud between the Montagues and the Capulets—”

  “Who?” she asks.

  “The families in the play,” Leeds says, sounding exasperated. “Look, just pretend we have the play open, and Romeo and Juliet are madly in love. They can’t keep their hands off each other, and no one is even wanting to stop them. Put a wrench into this situation for me—an internal one.”

  “Like?” Tiffany asks. “How do I make them unhappy?”

  “Or how do you make them fight? Some kind of conflict.”

  She bites her lip. “Well, my boyfriend is always way too into fantasy football. The season just started, and he’s always checking his phone instead of paying attention to me. I think he’s in like three different leagues or something. It’s really boring.”

  “Okay,” Dr. Leeds says. “I don’t think they had fantasy football back then, so can you make it fit the time period of the play?”

  Tiffany furrows her brows. “Romeo is always dueling people. He’s got one of those old-timey swords like the three musketeers, and he just can’t stop challenging people to duels.”

  “Tell me what makes this internal rather than external.”

  “Um, because he wins all the duels, and he gets a lot of money from winning them. But Juliet gets really worried anyway, and also he is so busy dueling that he doesn’t have much time for her. It’s like his mindset is the problem, which is internal, right? He’s always thinking about dueling and not about her.”

  “Good,” Dr. Leeds says. “Keep your phone in your purse and you’ll do well in this class.”

  He goes on like that, pulling answers out of the students like a dentist pulling teeth.

  “I think,” Dr. Leeds says. “Really subtle and nuanced conflicts often make the best stories. Let’s try to think of one together.”

  He pulls out a marker and starts writing on the whiteboard. “Let’s think of a harder one to throw a wrench into, shall we? We’ll do Romeo and Juliet again. Instead of starting out totally in love, they are...into each other. Both realize it, but for some reason they can’t act on it. Can someone give me a good reason for that? External or internal.”

  I tense up at this. This “hypothetical” situation is starting to hit very close to home.

  “Romeo’s a drug dealer,” someone shouts. “Like old-timey drugs, I guess, opium and shit. And Juliet is like a goody rich girl, and she thinks Romeo is too dangerous.”

  “Good,” Dr. Leeds says, writing it down. “But can we get more subtlety or nuance?”

  “What if he’s older?” someone says. “Not so old that it’s creepy, but old enough that it’s kind of like...a bit of a problem.”

  Dr. Leeds looks me right in the eyes, and I feel a cold chill rushing through me. Then he breaks eye contact and writes it down. “I like this one, so let’s lock this in and expand on it. Back in Shakespeare’s time, there wasn’t such a taboo about older men with younger women. It was quite common, so how would we make it more of a problem without going over the top?”

  “He’s her uncle!” someone shouts. “Like Game of Thrones!”

  “Without going over the top,” Leeds says over the students’ laughter.

  “Romeo is a chick,” someone says. “You couldn’t be lesbians back then.”

  “Alright,” Leeds says. “I like that. We’ll go with it. So here we have two people who both know they are into each other, but there is this thing between them. Should they or shouldn’t they? Will they or won’t they?”

  “Maybe they are both pirates,” someone says. “Romeo is the lady captain pirate, and Juliet is her first mate or something. I heard the Chinese used to have women pirates back then.”

  “Good,” Leeds says. “So an authority figure. That’s another wrench thrown in. Older, and in a position of power.”

  Dr. Leeds looks at me for the briefest moment, the hint of a grin flashing across his face.

  I notice the students are actually engaged now. He’s somehow gone from pulling half-sentences out of them one at a time to getting them to shout stuff out unprompted.

  “So let’s imagine a scene,” Dr. Leeds says. “We have all of these layered conflicts, but underneath all of that is this undeniable attraction between Romeo and Juliet, who are now pirate women. Any volunteers?”

  “I got this,” a guy says, raising his hand. “I’m very cool with lesbians, just in case there’s any lesbian couples in this class. I’m very cool with it, if you get what I mean—”

  “Just paint the scene for us,” Leeds snaps. “Focus on the layers of conflicts, and I shouldn’t have to say this, but please don’t describe a sex scene out loud to show how cool you are with it.”

  “No problem,” he says, clearing his throat. “So pirate Romeo lady is all grizzled, and like a total battle-hardened MILF type. She’s got an eyepatch, but that just makes her even more hot, right? Especially to Juliet, who is way less experienced as both a pirate and as a lesbian woman. It’s like, she knows she’s gay, but she only knows it because she likes Romeo. Maybe she’s felt attracted to other women before, but she suppressed it because she felt it was wrong, but with Romeo that feeling is so strong she just can’t deny it anymore. I’m thinking of a scene where maybe Juliet messed something up. Like she did some pirate thing incorrectly, like she was supposed to kill someone and plunder their treasure, but she was too soft and showed mercy instead of going all pirate on their ass.”

  Dr. Leeds is totally silent, as is the rest of the class. Everyone, me included, is leaning in and listening.

  “So, uh, anyway,” he says, “Captain Romeo calls Juliet into the captain’s quarters. She knows she’s gotta be firm with Juliet, right, because she disobeyed the pirate code of always killing people you plunder. If Romeo lets Juliet get away with that, then all her other pirates might go soft, and then no one will fear her anymore. The conflict, the extra layer or whatever, is that Romeo really likes Juliet. Really likes her.”

  He looks up and around, seemingly surprised at how completely everyone is paying attention to him. Not a single student is on her phone, and no one is zoning out or falling asleep. He’s completely pulled everyone into his story.

  “So,” he says, “Romeo is totally experienced and knows what she wants. She’s been with tons of women, but it’s always just been kind of whatever for her. She never thought she’d find real love, but Juliet has changed things for her. Still, she can tell Juliet isn’t experienced, and since Juliet is part of her crew, it’s more complicated…”

  “So,” Dr
. Leeds says, interrupting. “With Captain Romeo fully in charge of the ship, and with her being experienced and knowing what she wants, what is really going to stop Romeo from just getting what she wants?”

  Dr. Leeds looks at me again with that knowing grin. “Especially when Captain Romeo is experienced enough to see it in Juliet’s eyes that she wants it just as much?”

  “Honestly,” the guy says, “if I’m writing this scene, they are totally going to do it right there—”

  “Alright,” Dr. Leeds interrupts. “You’ve done a great job setting the scene, but if they do it right there, we lose that tension, don’t we? Sex relieves tension. You’d have to throw in another conflict later to keep the story alive, wouldn’t you?”

  He shrugs. “You all heard how cool I am with lesbians. Just throwing that out there for real in case you’re open to men.”

  There’s stifled laughter, but I notice some girls giving the guy eyes and knowing looks. I doubt they’re lesbians, though.

  Another student raises her hand. “Maybe Captain Romeo just likes this game. She likes drawing it out. She could just take what she wants, but everything is so fresh and new for Juliet, so Romeo doesn’t want to deny her that slow build-up.”

  “So you think it would be a totally selfless move for Romeo?” Leeds asks. “There’s nothing in it for Romeo herself?

  “I mean,” the student says, “I guess she could get off on watching Juliet sweat it? Like, she’s fully in control, and denying Juliet what she wants could just be a big turn-on for her. Even if that’s what happened, it would still be an interesting conflict to drive the story, because there’d always be that urge there for Romeo to just give in and get what she really wants from Juliet.”

  “I think you’re onto something there,” Leeds says, looking at his watch, and then right at me. “But class is over. I’m impressed with you all today. For your homework, I want you all to write your own version of this scene, layering on as many conflicts as you can without going over the top. And please do not write any sex scenes. This is literature, not erotica.”

  Everyone laughs, but I’m too busy thinking about Dr. Leeds wearing an eyepatch, with me as part of his pirate crew.

  So he enjoys the feeling of me not knowing what I should do? Those weren’t his words, but he said, “I think you’re onto something” to the student who suggested it. He just used the class as a way of communicating to me what he’s up to.

  I could take his hint and continue letting him play this game with me. Or maybe I would enjoy the feeling of getting right up in his face and calling him out on it? How would he like that? Good stories aren’t just about layers of conflict, sometimes surprise twists and turns are just as important.

  There would still be plenty of “layers of conflict” left even if I peeled this one away. He’s still my mentor, and I’m pretty sure he’s not supposed to bang his TA. That should be conflict enough for him.

  And if we need another conflict? Maybe I’ll get mad at him for stringing me along so much.

  10

  Elijah

  My eyes are nearly bleeding. I told my students to not write sex scenes, but that only stopped about half of them. Many of the sex scenes have some of the most clumsy language I’ve ever read. Some choice excerpts include:

  “They then proceeded to 69 the hell out of each others’ pussies.”

  “You’re so wet, Juliet, as wet as the very sea that our badass pirate ship floats upon.”

  “Juliet smelled good, even though she’d never taken a shower in her life, especially not after being a pirate. Yet, somehow she smelled good, especially between her legs.”

  I roll my eyes and throw the pile down on my desk. I stop reading the sex scenes and simply grade the papers based on whether or not they hit the layers of conflict. Most of them do an adequate job. It seems my students will never become romance or erotica writers, but at least they can identify and create conflict in their stories.

  After taking a bit of a break, I grab the pile and look at the next submission. It’s titled, “Romeo’s Blue Tie.”

  I sit up and scan the submission for a name, but there isn’t one. Either the student forgot to put their name on it, or…

  I read on. It starts out with a description of the scene as if it is going to read like a script to a play, but it goes into a regular narrative structure: from Juliet’s point of view.

  *Romeo and Juliet have docked in Portsmouth, England. After one too many drinks in the tavern, they find themselves in a secluded garden by moonlight.*

  I lean forward. And read on.

  Romeo leans forward. She’s a full head taller than me, and I find myself staring at the soft flesh of her neck. My eyes wander down, and I notice the new silk tie she’s wearing. She must have bought it in town, as I’ve never seen her wearing it on the ship.

  “While we are in this garden,” Romeo says, “let us speak the truth.”

  I look up at her nervously. My heart pounds so hard that I feel blood rushing through the tops of my ears. How long I’ve wanted to speak the truth to her, and now is my chance. But I’m so afraid, as if saying aloud what I truly want will make me realize I’ve been living a dream all along, and I’ll wake up cold and alone.

  I muster a nod. It’s all I can do, my voice is gone.

  “So speak, Juliet,” Romeo says.

  I laugh to myself. Back in Oxford, it was Nicole who suggested we speak truthfully to each other, not me. Yet Romeo is the one wearing the light blue tie. Clearly, I am Romeo, but she’s changing what happened between us.

  “I...I don’t care if you’re my captain.”

  “Meaning you’ll disobey me?” Romeo asks, a smirk filling her face.

  Romeo’s long fingers run up to the silk tie around her neck. It’s more like a scarf than a necktie, but Romeo has knotted it in a way that suggests a men’s necktie. She tugs at the knot absentmindedly as she waits for me to answer.

  “No,” I say. “I want only to obey you. But not because you’re my captain. And I don’t just want to obey you when it comes to hoisting the sails or swabbing the deck—”

  I laugh, harder this time. Nicole certainly didn’t do much research for this story. Those are the only two pirate things she could think up?

  “But,” I say, “I want to obey you in all things, Romeo.”

  “All things,” Romeo says, pulling the knot undone. She pulls on the blue scarf, and it slides around her neck, until it’s finally off her body and in her hands. She pulls it taut, then looks down at my body.

  “Be careful,” Romeo says. “Once you promise me that you’ll obey, you must obey. In all things.”

  “I promise I’ll obey you,” I say. “In all things.”

  “Then turn around,” Romeo says.

  I hesitate for the briefest moment, but then I remember what I’ve just promised. I turn around, finding myself face to face with a wooden post, around which leaves and vines have grown.

  “Put your hands on the post,” Romeo’s voice orders.

  I obey.

  I feel Romeo’s breath on my neck, and I feel the warmth of her body, but she doesn’t touch me. Not yet.

  Then I feel the silky softness of the scarf draping across my shoulder, touching the exposed skin of my neck. I want to ask him what he’s going to do to me, but that would feel like a form of disobedience.

  He. Romeo has suddenly become a man. I find myself clenching my teeth, and my cock is hard. It presses uncomfortably against my pants, and I shift my position to give it more space. I suppose the Romeo in this story was always a man, it’s always been me, even if Nicole began by holding up the pretense of following the assignment.

  He pulls the smooth fabric around the front of my neck, and I feel his breath move to my ear. I start to crave his touch more than anything. I need it more than the air I breathe, but still he’s denying me his touch. I have only his tie around my neck, which will have to suffice for now.

  “Juliet,” he whispers, his voice d
eep and masculine. “I would be a fool to turn you away now. I might lose everything if I do this, but I don’t care. I need this.”

  The cloth tightens around my neck. I keep thinking he’ll stop, but it only tightens more. It gets harder to breathe, and I suddenly regret thinking I wanted Romeo more than I wanted air. As I struggle for air, I feel adrenaline surging through me. I gasp, and blood rushes up to my head. It hits me almost like an orgasm, and I gasp away precious air.

  “The lack of oxygen feels good,” Romeo says.

  I croak in response. It’s all I can manage.

  Just as I start to see the edges of my vision go dark, I feel his hand reach down. He touches my wide hips, and then his hand slides around and grabs my ass.

  He lets go of the scarf just enough that I get in a good gasp of air, but he tightens it again just as his other hand sinks down my pants. His finger finds my wetness, and I realize then that his touch is better than the air I breathe. I need it more, and even as my vision goes dark, my clit swells, and the wetness between my legs flows as if a dam previously holding it back has been broken, shattered by Romeo’s touch…

  I realize my cock is in my hands. I’ve taken it out, and I’ve begun to stroke myself.

  There’s a knock at the door, and I quickly stuff my cock back in and zip up my fly. I turn my chair toward the door just as it swings open.

  I put the papers onto my lap to hide my erection. The woman at the door, of course, is Nicole Weissman.

  I lock eyes with her.

  “Dr. Leeds,” she says. “Class started five minutes ago.”

  I look at her neck, and I imagine squeezing it with my tie. I imagine my hand between her legs, and my fingers penetrating deep inside of her.

  She must notice the look on my face, because she looks down at the paper. “What are you reading?”

  “I’ll be right there,” I say. “Start class without me.”

  I see her try to lean in and read the paper, but I turn my chair around, bringing my back to her. “I’ll be right there, go on.”